True Homeless Stories

The Story of Z., age unknown

Published: May 19, 2009

Z. stood disheveled with a vacant but somehow irritated look in his eyes. He holds out a styrofoam cup and seems transfixed by some far off memories. He is tall and fairly well-built, but his posture fixes his eyes below the gaze of most. He has a graying, overgrown beard and looks to be in his mid to late fifties.

We enter a small coffee shop in center city. The girl behind the counter looks perplexed and tries her best to hide her suspicion. I order two coffees and a glazed donut for Z.

Z. has an intense presence. Sitting across from me, he speaks in spontaneous, aggressive bursts. When he talks, his back tenses, almost pushing him against the back of the chair. I get the disturbing impression that something is speaking through him. He rails against the people that steal from his checks, those who abused him as a child and forced him to do drugs, the horrors of fighting in Vietnam and the flashbacks that he still suffers from. “That’s why I’m this way now, because I fought in Vietnam,” he says. He explains that he moved from Haiti to Philadelphia when he was just eight years old, and was raised by a foster mother.

There’s an unmistakable undertone of paranoia that infuses his every word. He explains that he used to take medication when he was younger, but stopped because they were making him sick. More recently, he had been taking medications for anxiety and some kind of psychosis, but stopped taking them when he lost touch with his doctor. He doesn’t want to go back to ask for his medication because he is afraid that they will lock him up.

The most frustrating aspect of Z.’s case is also its most salient one - that he seems to be in a situation where the illness itself is preventing him from getting the proper care. The people that his illness demonizes are the same people that are able to help him. I imagine that this is why all of the resources that he has tried have failed. As I listen to him speak, I want to ask him if this is why he’s had trouble finding help, but quietly reconsider.

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